I don’t hate people, I just feel better when they’re not around. — Charles Bukowski

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

I was taking an online yoga class last night in my second bedroom. (Well maybe more like 1/2 bedroom). But I turned it into my little zen escape room with yoga blocks, candles, aromatherapy, and mood-lighting. There’s only room enough for one yoga mat, which is perfect.

I take classes, late at night, when the kids have gone to bed. JK, I am the kid! And I never go to bed.

So, I might as well exercise, or the demons in my head will exercise first.

I was in the middle of wrapping up a nice hot-flow-fusion or whatever around 11:30pm, followed by a 15-minute meditation on gratitude, which must have worked, because suddenly I found myself saying out loud,

“At least I don’t have to worry about hot yoga guy anymore!”

Back when classes were still legal, and I practiced regularly at my local yoga studio, I was always an anxious wreck when hot yoga guy appeared.

I know, usually that’s the dream: a hot yoga guy you practice next to, bat your eyes at during warrior II, flirt with after class by the electrolyte water- cooler, but for a social-phobic, shy yogi, like yours truly, it’s a total nightmare!

Not only was he HOT, but he was also SO nice.

Not only was this guy stunning with his six pack, glowing smile, the whole package, but he then had the gall to wave me down, and start talking to me!

Plus, I never ran into him on my hot days.

It was always when I was down to my last ratty tank-top, had been too lazy for make-up, and thrown my hair into a messy bun when hot guy appeared out of nowhere.

“Hey!” He’d shout across the room, waving me down.

“Oh… hey!” I smiled back, feigning confidence.

(Dammit. He saw me).

Sometimes, if he didn’t see me right away, I’d avoid eye contact the whole class, and then sneak out the back door, running to my car. (An extra three minutes of cardio).

I am pretty sure he wasn’t ever flirting with me. He was just being polite and nice, because some HOT guys are also polite and nice, which is frankly, really annoying!

On one of the days I was pretending not to see him, we had almost made it to the last 20 minutes of class, when suddenly, the fire alarm went off, and we we were all forced to evacuate the studio and wait outside together!

Oh no!

He spotted me right away, my whole escape plan thwarted.

“I’ve got a big audition today,” he said.

Of course, you do, I thought.

“Oh cool! I’m sure you’ll nail it!”

“Thanks!”

Ugh….why’d he have to be so genuine, and cool, and real all the time! Why couldn’t he just be cocky and arrogant like most hot guys. It would make writing him off so much easier!

I felt myself turning bright red. Maybe the fire was inside my brain.

One time I was so relieved that hot guy wasn’t there, because I definitely wasn’t looking my best, and out of the blue Colin Farrell showed up and plopped his mat right next to mine. (Yes- THE Colin Farrell).

WHAT?! NO way.

I had to literally do the entire class with my eyes closed, for fear I’d accidentally look at him even ONCE. And yes, he was even hotter than hot yoga guy. It was a disaster!

Anyway, I guess the gratitude meditation worked, because I thought, yes it’s kind of sad, practicing yoga all alone in my closet/bedroom, but now I can truly just focus on my practice, and on finding more gratitude internally, and not in some unattainable greek god like model with perfectly refined abs and a winning personality. Who needs THAT?! I’m trying to work on my downward dog here! In peace and quiet!

Plus, I can cheat as much as I want and sleep through half the class if that’s what I need (it often is).

I finished savasana, got naked, (you can also do that in private yoga), jumped into a hot steaming bath, when I was suddenly rudely interrupted with a…

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

My fire alarm is strangely close to my bathroom, and I guess the hot steam set it off.

Dammit! I muttered.

Grabbing a towel, I got out of the bath, dripped all over my living room floor, grabbed a cookie (I earned it), opened my front door, letting in the fresh night air to cool down the alarm, took a deep pranayama breath, and went back inside.

As I stepped back into my bath, I caught a quick glimpse of myself in the mirror.

My hair was perfectly tousled, my skin dewy from the 5 second bath, my shoulders were looking more toned from the yoga, and I exclaimed,

“Where is hot yoga guy when I look like THIS???”

Then I took a nice long bath, singing peacefully along to the Everly Brothers, day-dreaming of all the scary hot guys I didn’t have to see.

I bless the day I found you
I want to stay around you
And so I beg you
Let it be me

Comedian of all trades.

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