How To Be Alone (During Quarantine) and Not Kill Yourself
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A lot of people are alone during quarantine, and I want you to know that you’re not alone. I mean, you are, you’re COMPLETELY alone, but you’re not alone in being alone. (You get it). And it’s not as bad as you think.
First of all, you can do whatever you want. Secondly, you can do whatever you want. And third of all, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.
So, stop feeling sorry for yourself, realize that most couples are secretly jealous of you, count your many blessings (in disguise) and here’s a “to do list” that should at least distract you for 24 hours.
How To Be Alone and NOT Kill Yourself:
10 am: Wake up.
10:05 am: Go back to sleep.
11:00am: Wake up (for real this time).
11:05am: Pretend to do things (tweet for an hour).
12:00pm: Make coffee.
12:05pm: Decide your coffee isn’t as good as the coffee shop around the corner. Walk there while listening to, ‘You ain’t Goin’ Nowhere.’ Get an iced latte and a croissant.
12:15pm: Heat up the croissant. Burn it. Decide it’s “for the best” ’cause you shouldn’t be eating carbs anyway.
12:30pm: Text a few people that you can’t meet up today, ’cause you’re too “busy,” but really ’cause you slept until noon (and COVID- your new name for social anxiety).
1:00pm: Make an egg and eat it standing over the stove. Put hot sauce on it and grated parmesean cheese if you’re feeling “fancy.”
1:30pm: Go on Instagram and stalk, I mean RESEARCH your exes (it’s research if you know them), then research your exe’s exes, and your imaginary exes who don’t remember your name.
2:00pm: Call your friend and exchange stories about researching your imaginary exes. Research each other’s exes and tell each other you’re hotter than the new soon-to-to-be-exes of your exes.
2:30pm: Take an online yoga class. Stay in savasana for two hours, then stand up and immediately start eating chips, (it’s not your fault that your yoga studio is in your kitchen).
