You tell me, mistakes
Are part of being young
But that don’t right
The wrong that’s been done — Brenda Lee

British Library on Unsplash

I’ve noticed a new trend where people are apologizing for things before anyone cares about what they’re apologizing for.

So, just in case I ever make it, I thought I better get a head start.

Not for tweets, since I can’t think of any offensive ones, and am too lazy to check.

But there are things I did in my past I still feel guilty about.

I’d like to apologize for as many as I can think of as I sip my mint chocolate chip matte smoothie, which I’ll just go ahead and apologize for right off the top. This drink shouldn’t even exist. Sorry for supporting the over-priced-smoothie- market.

Though it is giving me energy to write this, so I’m not 100% sorry. Maybe 89% sorry.

Okay, here we go.

Things I’m sorry for:

1. I’m sorry for giving my best friend Poison Ivy in third grade. I told her, “Let’s both get it on purpose so we can stay home from school together and play all day!” And that’s how I found out I’m immune to Poison Ivy. She, however, was not. She did get to stay home from school for a week (you’re welcome), but no playing was involved.

Sorry, Amy!

2. I’m sorry for biting my sister’s butt when I was five. I don’t remember it well, but I remember we were at a gas station, and I think she screamed in shock. It must have been painful, and I don’t remember being punished for the transgression.

Sorry, Hillary!

3. I’m sorry to my barbies for hanging them by their necks out the window. That was not a healthy way to play with dolls. (Or was I already a feminist?) We can’t be sure, but it’s not right to treat anyone that violently, even if they are dumb, sexist dolls.

Sorry, Barbies!

4. I’m sorry to my turtle, Shelly for not feeding him more worms when I was six, and thus accidentally killing him. He didn’t like bananas. And neither did I, so how can you blame him. I still miss Shelly, my sweet turtle.

Sorry, Shelly!

5. I’m sorry to my friend in sixth grade for telling her that we were all going to wear gowns to school the next day, and then she wore one and nobody else did. That was a mean joke, and not a funny one.

Sorry, Luba!

6. I’m sorry to my Dad for getting into a screaming fight with Mom about my hair, when she suggested I get my hair done by her guy, and he made my hair orange, and I screamed saying, “I didn’t even WANT to GET MY HAIR DONE!!!” And you got upset with me for fighting with Mom.

I wish I could say this was when I was ten, but it was last year.

I’m sorry, Dad.

7. I’m sorry to my Mom for not cleaning my room in high school, and when she put all of my clothes in garbage bags in the basement to teach me to clean up, I just went and put all of her clothes in garbage bags and put them in the basement to teach her a lesson. And it was a stand-off.

Sorry, Mom.

8. I’m sorry to my high school English teacher for writing in my journal that the discussion today was so boring it made me want to kill myself. That was uncalled for. And I’m grateful he was willing to overlook it, and became one of my favorite teachers, even if he only gave me B+s on everything. Also, I’m sorry if I still don’t know how to use commas. Also, I’m sorry I dropped out of college…twice. (That’s for my parents too).

Sorry, Mr. MacKerron

9. I’m sorry for breaking up with the one guy who was ever truly good to me, because I was too young to settle down. But I am so grateful we are still friends. Can’t make this funny, because it’s just sweet. Because he’s sweet too, and funny, and cool. Also, he took me to my first Radiohead concert, which was epic.

Sorry, Jeremy

10. I’m sorry to the people I had to stop talking to, because either they hurt me, or I hurt them, or we both hurt each other. Mostly men, I think.

Sorry, “men.”

11. I’m sorry to anyone I’m forgetting. I’m sure there are dozens of people (and objects) I accidentally hurt or disappointed. And truly, I am very sorry.

Okay, I have to admit, I’m starting to get why everyone is so into apologizing.

It feels pretty great!

Or this $14 matcha has drugs in it. Either way, I’ll take it.

Here’s to being sorry.

Why not? We’re all human.

Who hasn’t fucked up?

Sorry for my language.

Here we go again….

What I got to do to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it’s all over babe?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word — Elton John

Comedian of all trades.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store